Sexy tips
All the things you should know about before you start thinking about having sex
Are you feeling it?
Getting to know yourself and what you want is really important to feeling happy with your sexual relationship. You might want to think about these things before starting to have sex:
Do drugs and alcohol make you feel more confident about sex? Scroll down to 'The Influence of Drugs and Alcohol'
Sexuality is the central part of what makes us human and we all have the right to a healthy happy sexual life. Being a sexual person means that you have basic human needs like contact, emotional expression, pleasure, and love. As a young person living in England you have the right to:
You also have the responsibility to: Take care of yourself and get regular sexual health checks; Make your feelings or values clear to other people; Access information about concerns or questions you have; Make positive choices for yourself ; Take responsibility for your actions; Make sure both you and your partner take shared responsibility for protecting yourself against STI’s/pregnancy.
What does your partner think?
‘I feel really under pressure to be the experienced one in the relationship and I think my girlfriend assumes that I will be the one who buys condoms and know how to please her- but I don’t know where to start!’
We all have ideas about what sex is going to be like. Sometimes you might assume that your partner is going to be more experienced, or will take responsibility for contraception. It’s always best to talk about these things with them, you will probably find out that they are just as embarrassed or nervous as you are and maybe you can go and find out about contraception together.
It’s really important to be open with each other with your feelings about sex. It might take weeks, months or even years before you both feel ready for sex and it should always be a joint decision. Be sensitive to their values and feelings and don’t be left guessing how each other feels. Talk about it! Once you feel relaxed and happy, and can be yourself with him, sex is more likely to be fun and enjoyable. If you both decide you are ready and trust each other to take things a bit further you might want to get to know each others bodies a bit better:
Erogenous Zones.
Finding out what parts of your body respond to sexual touch can be a really good way to start experimenting together. Thing is: no one can magically predict what feels good for their partner and even the most experienced couples talk to each other about what feels good for them even when they’ve been together for ages! A good way to start experimenting is to find out where your erogenous zones are. Erogenous zones are the bits of your body that are sensitive to sexual stimulation and everyone has parts of their body that feel better to touch than others. Here are some of the common erogenous zones on Men and Women’s bodies. If you and your partner feel ready you could try different types of strokes, licking, sucking or nibbling gently on these areas. Remember to let each other know what feels good, respect your partner’s boundaries and always make it clear if you feel uncomfortable.
Ears
Neck
Breasts
Nipples
Inner thighs
Genitals
Perineum
Fingers
Toes
Bum
Films, television, adverts, radio and music are full of references to sex. If you've never had it or aren't getting it, it can seem as though the rest of the world is, and you're the only one who is missing out. One result of this is that boys often put a lot of pressure on girls to have sex with them. Sometimes girls put pressure on boys too. People come out with lines like these:
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'Everybody else is doing it. Why shouldn't we?'
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'I think you're frigid. That's why you won't do it'
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'If you loved me, you would do it'
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'Let me do it, or I'll dump you for someone who will'
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'If I get horny without having sex, my testicles will burst'
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'Me and my last girlfriend did it, you obviously don't care enough'
Having sex because you feel pressured into doing so is a very bad idea, and one that you will almost certainly regret. Anyone who does try to pressure you into having sex obviously doesn't care very much about your feelings, and that is not a good basis for any type of relationship, but especially for a sexual relationship.
You should try and remember that losing your virginity is something that you will only do once, and it's something you will remember all your life. Don't just do it on the spur of the moment. Do it with someone you care about, who cares about you, in a place that is comfortable and safe after you have talked about it and are sure you both want to. You don't want to shudder at the memory for the next fifty years do you?
If you do have sex and feel it was a mistake, i.e had sex you didn't want or like, then you should forgive yourself and move on. If it was sex you felt pressured into having, learn ways of avoiding future situations where you may get pressured into having sex. Once you have had sex it doesn't mean you have to keep having sex.
Even more pressure
But boyfriends (and girlfriends) aren't the only people who might pressure you to have sex and who might apply pressure to get what they want. Some people are attracted to young girls - and boys - and will go to great lengths to persuade you to have some sort of sexual contact with them. Often these people are in positions of power. They might try some sort of bribery to persuade you to do what they want, giving you money or buying you presents. Or they may try to bully or blackmail you into it.
Sexual relationships between adults and children are abusive and it is wrong for an adult to take advantage of a child in this way. This abuse is also illegal (See 'Sex and the Law', below). The abuser will often try to persuade the child that the abuse is their fault, or that if they tell somebody about it they will get into serious trouble, possibly taken away from their family. They often use lies and deceit like this to silence the victim and to protect themselves.
It is important to remember that NOBODY has the right to touch you if you don't want to be touched, or to persuade you to engage in sex if you don't want to do it, even if you are flattered by the attention.
It can be very hard to get out of a difficult situation, and it's often easier to start as you mean to go on. If you don't want to have sex with somebody, say so, loud and clear. If you feel as though you are being sexually abused and you want that to stop, you should tell the abuser and / or someone in authority, for example a teacher. If you feel that there is some risk involved in your doing so, you must talk to someone about it. There are helplines where you can discuss such matters in total confidence. Childline: 0800 1111
Say yes, say no, say maybe: When IS the right time?
'When my parents are out, when they are away. The next time we have a chance, I know we're going to do it'
'I don't like to say no, I feel I might loose him'
'You can't tell, it just happens'
Does it really 'just happen'? Come one, admit it! You do think about it beforehand. You make sure your teeth are clean and that you are looking your best, and that you can be alone together. So what did you expect - that you would just watch that DVD!
Let's be honest. We often pretend we don't know we are going to have a bit of a grope, because we think planning ahead makes it unromantic or cold. Be we need to be honest with ourselves - planning ahead is important at least for the reason we need to sort condoms and contraception out!
'We've been going out for six months. We've talked it over and we both think it's time'
'Two of my friends had their first time on holiday. I'm going to Greece in the summer, and I won't say no if the right person comes along'
A lot of things are fun if they happen on the spur of the moment. But most things in life are even better when you give them some thought beforehand. The truth is that we usually do have a lot of warning, and even work out exactly what will happen and when. It might not be the obvious times - at parties or late at night. All it needs is a bit of time alone together and that spark between you. But before you go ahead, have you ever thought over why it will happen?
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'Everyone else is doing it, I might as well'
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'We love each other, so we are going to do it'
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'If its handed to you on a plate, you'd be crazy to turn it down'
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'All the lads talk about it, have stories to tell. You have to have something to talk about too'
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'When I get with him, I just feel so hot and tingly it's all I want to do'
Having sex because you think everyone else is, can be trouble. Because the fact is, whatever they say or want you to think, everyone isn't 'at it'. And even if they were, does that make it right for you? You would feel a right idiot if you did it, got an STI or got let down and then discovered that all your loudmouth friends were all still virgins.
Falling in love and really wanting to do it sounds ok, but do you need to have sex to show your feelings, or would you be better off waiting? Sex will happen sooner or later. But if you really want it to be something you enjoy and not something that will disappoint you or your partner, think on. It has to be with someone that it feels right with, in the right place and at the right time and done safely to protect your health and your partner's health.
So when is the right time for you? Well its only you who can decide that. Some people want to wait until they get married, others may have sex after only meeting someone for a few hours. If sex is safe and consenting (both partners agree they want to have sex) there should be no problem. It is important not to judge people simply by their sexual behaviour, we have to respect that everyone has a personal choice.
Find out what others have to say about their 'first time':
http://sexperienceuk.channel4.com/videos/about/first-time
How to be a good lover...
'I know she likes me, but how do I find out how far she will go?'
One way is barging ahead until she slaps your face, pushes you away, or gives in and then refuses to see you again! You won't get much of a good reputation as a good lover if this is your technique. A better way of finding out what she wants is to ask. 'I would like to kiss you - to touch your breasts - to put my hand on your leg - is that ok?' 'Can I stroke you here - do you like that? Am I hurting you? Is this nice for you?' That's the way really experienced people get it together. They don't do it in silence and trust to luck - they ask and share their feelings as they go along.
The influence of ALCOHOL and DRUGS:
The amount of alcohol consumed by 11-15 year olds who drink has doubled in the last ten years. UK teenagers have one of the highest rates of binge drinking (drinking a large quantity in a short space of time) and getting drunk. Almost a quarter of 15-16 year olds get drunk at least three times a month. Young people's drinking and drug use is linked to accidents, violence, suicide, relationship problems, effects on school performance and crime as well as SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR, particularly risky sex (i.e not using a condom).
"I was a bit scared about having sex, so when I met up with her I was a bit drunk and so was she, so we went back to hers and it just happened"
It is completely natural to be a bit nervous about sex and sometimes alcohol and drugs can make you feel more relaxed and less shy.
Although alcohol and drugs may make people feel more confident about sex, it can also affect judgement, which may mean not talking about and using condoms.
"Sometimes you can be so off your head you don't know what you are doing so you just forget about using condoms"
This is when getting too drunk becomes a problem and has consequences - no condom means risk of pregnancy and STI.
It can become even more of a problem if you then regret having sex or can't even remember what you did.
"I didn't want to have sex, but I was too drunk to stop"
"I was so drunk I can't even remember what happened, I don't even know if we had sex or not"
If you think you might have sex but cant remember, get advice from a health professional as soon as possible, they can talk and advise you about emergency contraception and STI risk.
Alcohol and some drugs can also block sexual performance; this is why some men can't get an erection when they have drunk too much.
All drug and alcohol use carries some level of risk. However, it is possible to minimise the risks by taking a few precautions:
1. Eat a meal before you go out.
2. Don't drink or use drugs alone or in a place where you won't be found if something goes wrong.
3. Make sure you have condoms with you, in case you have sex.
4. Mixing drugs (including alcohol) can be very dangerous, try to avoid this, as the effects can be unpredictable.
5. Keep an eye on your friends and make sure they look out for you.
6. If something goes wrong or if you start to feel sick or anxious, tell your friends straight away.
7. If a friend collapses - call an ambulance immediately and stay with your friend until it arrives.
The Law
In England and Wales, the law on Sexual Offences has been updated. Under this law, the legal age for young people to consent to have sex is still 16, whether you are straight, gay or bisexual.
The aim of the law is to protect the safety and rights of young people and make it easier to prosecute people who pressure or force others into having sex they don’t want. Forcing someone to have sex is a crime.
Although the age of consent remains at 16, it is not intended that the law should be used to prosecute mutually agreed teenage sexual activity between two young people of a similar age, unless it involves abuse or exploitation.
Under the Sexual Offences Act you still have the right to confidential advice on contraception, condoms, pregnancy and abortion, even if you are under 16.
But remember, whatever your age, you shouldn’t have sex until you feel ready.
