Dan's story
Being a Dad
When my girlfriend, Vicky, got pregnant for the first time it was a real shock and her mum told her that she should have an abortion. I felt that I didn’t really have a say in the decision. I will never forget the day that Vicky’s mum took her to the clinic for an abortion and how after that I felt like a part of me had given up. I didn’t really care about myself any more, I felt so low – like I wouldn’t have cared if I had died. I wished that I had talked it through with her more and discussed what we both wanted.
When she got pregnant the second time I was so happy but inside I was scared that the same thing would happen as the last time. When she told her mum, she said ‘You’re not keeping it,’ and I was scared she’d take control again and persuade Vicky to have another abortion. This time I knew Vicky was sure she wanted the baby too and I stood up to her mum and told her it wasn’t up to her – it was our decision. At first she wasn’t listening but my family supported me and my sister talked to Vicky’s mum for us. Soon she got used to the idea that we were keeping the baby but she never got used to me.
During Vicky’s pregnancy she lived at home with her mum and I would go all across town from my house to visit her. I didn’t go to the first scan with Vicky because I had a job interview and then I didn’t go to the other scans and appointments because I don’t like doctors and have a big fear of needles but I think Vicky felt that I wasn’t interested and this caused arguments. I was there at our baby James’ birth and I was proud to change his first nappy which was gross. During the pregnancy we had talked about baby names and agreed that James would have my last name but when it came to it Vicky made the last name on the birth certificate double barrelled and it felt like all of mine and Vicky’s trust fell apart – all of a sudden things changed.
Once James was born I would go over most days to visit but I still knew that her mum didn’t like me. One day it all got too much and we had a huge argument. I was really angry and smashed up the fence and she said ‘I’m gonna stop you from seeing your little boy for good.’
After that the police were called and I was arrested and Vicky stopped me having contact with James and contacted social services.
For six months I had no contact with James, I suffered from depression and lost my job. I was constantly worried that I wouldn’t get access to see James.
When I was little I had been in foster care and didn’t live with my dad for 10 years and knowing how I felt every time my dad left me, I knew I didn’t want James to go through the same thing. I contacted a solicitor and he contacted Vicky’s solicitor and set up supervised visits but neither of us felt comfortable at the place they arranged and we stopped going and I started to worry I’d never get to see James. I went back to the solicitor’s and was close to getting a court order to take Vicky to court but then I found out I could see James at the family centre. It’s OK seeing James at the family centre because I know they are there to look out for James and to help me and Vicky talk to each other and support James in the best way.
At last I now feel comfortable with my little boy but he’s nearly two now and I know I’ve missed out on valuable time to bond with him.
My biggest hope for the future is to be able to see James on my own and when he gets older for him to come to stay over at my place for a whole week.
Being a dad is the most important thing in my life and there are some things I wish I had done differently…
Dan's Top Tips for dads
- If there are arguments in the family, think about your baby; every time you feel angry walk away and calm down, come back in 10 minutes.
- If you’re a dad you should support the mother of your baby all through the pregnancy and go to every scan and appointment – I wish I had.
- If you can’t live together or stay together as a couple, support your child and its mother as much as possible by offering advice and being there to help look after your baby, as well as maintenance.
- If you’re a dad and are worried about losing contact with your baby, try and get support from a family centre where they can arrange supervised visits and you can get support and advice from professionals. Try to come to an agreement about access with your baby’s mum and avoid going to court about it.
- Mums, if your relationship with your baby’s dad breaks down, give the baby a chance to bond with its dad.
Support for young fathers
There is specialist support for young fathers in Brighton and Hove. To find out more call the Youth Advice Centre 0n: 01273 889292
Citizen's Advice Bureau (CAB) offers free and confidential advice including legal advice; call the advice line on 0845 1203710 or to make an appointment call 01273 696616
Check out these websites especially for fathers:
www.youngdads.co.uk
www.fathersdirect.com
www.fnf.org.uk
Claire’s story - questions and answers
Q. How old were you when you found out you were pregnant?
I was 15 years old in the January, and found out I was pregnant in the March. I was in Year 10 at school.
Q. Was there anyone with you when you found out?
Yes. My boyfriend and I bought a pregnancy test in Boots and did it in some public toilets.
Q. How did you tell your parents?
My mum guessed and was OK, but I was living with my dad at the time and he was really angry and disappointed.
Q. What about school?
They were very supportive. Other young mums I know were at less supportive schools, but mine was good.
Q. How did the other pupils react?
Well, I only told a few close friends at first, but gossip spreads. I denied that I was pregnant at first, but after the summer holidays I was showing, so everyone knew. Some people made nasty comments and others were just interested. I had lots of friends at school.
Q. What happened about school when you had the baby?
I only had six weeks off school because my Mum was able to look after him in the day so that I could finish Year 11 and take my GCSEs. I went back in the middle of February and took my exams in June. I found it really hard looking after a baby and trying to study. It meant a lot of late nights to keep up with all the work. Also, when I went back I felt different and the other pupils seemed so immature.
Q. How did you do in your exams?
I got 4 Bs, 5 Cs and 1 D.
Q. Where were you living?
I lived with my dad and step-mum until my baby was two. I shared a bedroom with my baby and my sister. When my baby was two my step-mum and my dad wanted me to go so I was homeless. I was put in a caravan in Lancing. I liked it at first because it was summer and it was a place of our own, so I could come and go as I wanted for the first time. My dad and step-mum had always been really strict. Then when the winter came I hated it. The walls went black with mould and it was cold and damp. My baby became ill and developed asthma. I was there about eight months. Then I moved to a flat, which I like much more.
Q. How about your baby’s father?
He went to the same school as me. When I found out I was pregnant we broke up. He was there when I had the baby and we started to see each other for a few weeks after the birth but it didn’t work out. We are still in contact and he does take our son out at least once a week.
Q. How about your friends?
I had lots of friends at school. Only a couple of friends came to the hospital. I did feel a bit isolated but I made friends with other people that had babies at the support groups.
Q. What had you wanted to do before you found out you were pregnant?
I wanted to go to college and train to be a teacher. I did start the first term of my A Levels but my mum found it too much so I had to leave.
Q. What did you do then?
I stayed at home.
Q. What about money?
Well, because I was not 16 until my baby was three weeks old, I had to wait three weeks before I could claim any money. Then I got £51 per week. That might sound a lot, but I had to buy all the food, nappies, and clothes for me and my baby with that and it doesn’t go very far.
Q. How did your parents react?
They were surprised and disappointed but both were very supportive.
Q. Does your baby’s father have to pay you any money?
Yes, he does, but it’s not very much. It’s £5.20 per week.
Q. Did you ever think about an abortion?
Yes, I went for the first appointment and just kept crying. I went home and weighed up all the pros and cons and decided to have the baby. I felt that was the best thing for me to do at the time but can understand why other people choose to have abortions, because it’s not easy.
Q. Did you use contraception?
My boyfriend had been withdrawing before he came but I now know that men ejaculate a tiny amount before they fully come, which is why I got pregnant. I really didn’t think I would get pregnant. I thought that was something that only happened to other people.
Q. Do you want any more children?
Yes, later on
Q. If you could go back, do you think you would have waited to have children?
I love my baby very much, but if I could have the same baby later, I would have waited until I had finished my education and had the opportunity to go out with my friends more without having the responsibility of babysitters all the time.
Toni’s story - on becoming a Mum
I was born with a serious heart condition called Bradycardia which means that I have a pacemaker fitted and have lots of problems with my health. I was told by my doctor I wouldn’t be able to have children. I suspected I was pregnant when I realised I’d missed a period and I told my mum straight away. I was 18 years old and studying at college on my NVQ1 in Agriculture. We did a pregnancy test at home and it was a massive shock and surprise when it came out positive – I didn’t think it would ever happen to me because of my Bradycardia. Even though it was a shock I knew instantly that I wanted to continue with the pregnancy because I might never have the chance again.
I went to the doctor’s and he referred me to a specialist doctor at the hospital to monitor me and the baby.
I needed to have weekly checkups at the hospital because of my condition. The doctors were worried that the baby wasn’t growing enough. The specialist doctor was great: I trusted him and he was with me the whole way through the pregnancy.
When I was eight months pregnant the doctors worried that my baby wasn’t feeding properly from the umbilical cord and at my weekly scan they told me they had to induce my baby straight away – four weeks early.
I was really shocked and worried because they thought I’d need a caesarean. I was induced at 8 in the morning and by 1pm I hadn’t dilated at all; at 4pm they broke my waters and then it all happened really quickly, and suddenly Alexi had arrived! I didn’t need a caesarean and only had a little bit of gas and air. Alexi was only 4lbs when she was born and she had to have antibiotics.
I found it very hard at first and I was shell-shocked when I saw her in the oxygen mask – I broke down. She looked so little – it was all a lot to take in.
When I was a baby I had nearly died when I was a week old and I was really scared of what might happen to Alexi. But she was fine and after only three days I took her home. I thought being a mum was going to be easy but it’s really hard. It was fine for the first week until I started to feel really exhausted.
Because of my Bradycardia I get tired easily and need to get my sleep so sometimes I find it hard to cope especially when Alexi is ill and crying a lot during the night. Being a single mum is hard work but I’m lucky to have lots of support from my family and my mum has been great.
Alexi has grown and caught up with her age now and she’s fine and healthy. I’m looking forward to going back to my driving lessons and when Alexi is old enough to go to nursery I’d like to finish my Agriculture course.
Toni’s top tips if you’re worried about your baby’s health:
- When you go to see the doctor have all your questions written down – sometimes it’s easy to forget what you want to know.
- Have someone to go in with you to listen to the doctor’s advice in case you forget what was said.
- If the doctor says anything you don’t understand, ask them to explain a bit more – I had to do that a couple of times.
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